So we got back together and had a scuffle here and there.  We get into one big fight with me saying she embarrassed me while she repeats the same about herself.  So, she decided that we needed a two week break.  The plan is that we will be friends for two weeks minimum and see how we feel about getting back together.  This would be our third break (if you count the three months apart as a break).

I'm not sure what her goals were for the break.  I know she has a lot of stress on her with working two jobs and starting her last class for her BA.  I believe she wants to just figure everything out and get rid of as much stress as she can.  She's going to be quitting one of the jobs which will help immensely.

My goal is to give her some space.  Let her deal with all of her problems and figure everything out in her own head.  At the time of writing this We are through week one of our break.  I don't know what is going through her head, but I do know what's going through mine.  One thing that's happened is I've become horny as a fox. Usually I could care less about sex but for some reason I've had an insane sex drive.  This didn't start recently.  It's been happening for a few weeks.  Since she works days and I work nights, it's hard to find time to do the deed.  One of the conditions of our break up is that we can talk to other people but that's it.  Plus, I'm not a one night stand kind of guy.  Truthfully I can only have sex with a girl I care about.  I don't know why, but it seems I lost the gene which makes me give a rats ass about the girl I'm fucking.  So, I don't roam around looking for a quick fuck, which I believe is a good trait.

The other thing that I've found out is that I'm happy.  It's weird to say this because I do love her, but I feel like a burden was lifted off of me.  Like I said It's weird to say without it sounding wrong, but try to hear me out.  If you ever read her surveys or texts, she will say up and down that she does not worry about things, and has a "fuck it" attitude about life.  I will be the first to say that that is the biggest lie in the world.  She is constantly worrying, which always makes her feel sick, act strange and take little fuck ups way too harsh.  This in turn makes me feel stressed, because I don't like seeing her unhappy, so I try to make things right.  (Now I know that no one is perfect and myself included, but I try my hardest.)

She tells me that she hates her house, so I've been looking for apartments every now and then for us.
She tells me that something is wrong with her car, so I spend countless hours researching and then more time trying to fix it.
She tells me she hates her job, so I tell her to quit (remember: she works two).
She tells me she feels fat, so I try to get her to eat right and invite her to the gym.

I'm always trying to fix things, but when she keeps bringing me these problems I start to worry about what I can do to fix them, so now all this stress starts to wear on me.  Mind you, I have a lot of stress of my own:

I work second shift, which means I have NO time for friends (they all work normal hours)
I have a broken car, which means my money is already allocated to something.
I live with my 75 year old grandma, which means I need to find a place to live and prepare for the worst.
I have bills, which means more of my money is allocated somewhere else.
I'm overweight, so I've been eating healthier and working out more.

If you throw her problems on top of mine, that's a lot to be worrying about when you're 21!  I have next to no money as it stands, but I'm still trying to save.  My life is tough and I'm not even on my own.  So, since she's been gone I can sit back and deal with my problems, which in turn, has made me happier then I was.  I've also been saving a little more since I'm not spending money on going out for food, or going out on dates.  I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life, but it's definitely an improvement.  Hell I've even been motivated enough to clean my room, finish little projects around the house, and it's what pushed me to go back to to gym AND give me the plans for my future.

We've been texting about once a day.  No long deep conversations but short little "Hey what's up?", "How's work", kind of things.  We've been texting a lot less too.  I haven't been calling her to say goodnight or to just bullshit on the phone.  I like not being dependent on hearing her to get one with my day, but I also miss the silly little things we did.  I miss seeing her for lunch and texting her on my breaks, and I miss calling her up when I'm out of work.  Doing all those things makes you feel like there's someone there for you.  Someone waiting to hear from you, because they just want to.  They love hearing your voice and making sure everything is going ok.  So, it's been a little tough this past week, while at the same, it's been easier.

So the question is: should I get back together with her?  I'm torn between the two decisions.  I love her, I truly do.  We've been through a lot, she lost her virginity to me, she's the first girl I ever really wanted to marry, and the only girl that I was comfortable with telling everything to.  She means so much to me and I feel that if we were to break up that I would lose her as a friend all over again.  I feel as if jealousy will rip apart our friendship, and I don't want to lose that.  Maybe time will tell; maybe it wont.  The only thing I can do is sit back and try to enjoy this short simple state of being that we call life, and that's what I plan on doing.

(I miss you miss you)
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in backround of the morgue
The unsespecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting everytime
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head(6x)

I miss you miss you(6x)

-----------------------
Almost there

All week my girlfriend has been telling me that she's going drinking with her friends.  Normally its not a big deal for 99.999% of the population, but sadly it is for me.  I have a bad history with drinking.  Not from me but by my family.  I've had an uncle who had to get his stomach pumped from drinking too much.  Another uncle who got hit by a car while he was drunk, and a father who pulled a knife on my grandpa when he was drunk.  I also had an ex that said she got drunk and was raped, which I can't call a true story, as she has been known to lie, but that image has stayed in my head ever since.  All in all, I don't think highly of drinking, hence the reason I've developed a "Straight Edge" look on life.

She gives me the ultimatum about a month back saying that I must accept her drinking because its fun for her and makes her feel good.  She tells me its only a social thing; she doesn't do it to get drunk.  I accept the fact that if it makes her happy and if she's smart about it that nothing bad is going to happen.

All week she's been begging me to go with her.  I tell her everytime that I don't want to, each time with a little bit more anger to show her that I'm serious.

I felt I had good reasons:
1. I don't know anyone there besides her
2. I was told awhile back that at least one of the girls hates me, or at the very least doesn't apporve of me.
3. I don't want to be around alcohol (I don't like the smell, it makes me feel sick)
4. I'm going to feel really awkward.

She tells me that reaon 1 and 4 are because I'm in a shell.  That I must socialize with new people, which pissed me off because I socialize every week with new people at the car club.  Her reason for 3 was that just because I'm around it doesn't mean I'll drink it.  Which is true, but I still won't take the chance.  I didn't find out about her reason for 4 until later that night.

I was hanging with the car club last night having a fun time.  Then I get a text.  Its her begging me to come over again!  I refuse and tell her the reasons why I don't want to go.  She tells me they're having fun and are getting ready to play strip poker.  At first that really bothered me, but then I remember her telling me its just her two girlfriends, so I get over it, but I still have a lasting impression on me all night.

She calls me later that night, while I'm with the car club.  Her persistance is annoying at this point and she asks again if I want to go.  I'm mad at this time and pretty much tell her off.  She says that they were looking for people to come over.  I was never told this was turning into a party, so now I get worried. (remember back to the rape thing)  We hang up and I try to go back to enjoying the meet, but I just can't get rid of the feeling that something bad was going to happen.  I was so worried and I was starting to feel a little depressed, so I grab the friends I brought and took them home.  When I was leaving their house I sent my girlfriend a text, telling her I was on my way home.

Once I got home I felt a little better and belived that a good nights sleep was all I needed to clear my head.  The morning will make everything better.  I went on the computer like I do every night before going to bed.  I was just lookinig arouond the internet, nothing in particular.  I browsed our Car Club's site and made a few posts.  I looked at the phone and realized that she never texted me back, so I give her a call to hear her one last time before going to bed.  She answers and we talked about nothing for a bit.  She told me her phone was being weird and not getting texts, but earlier we had an entire conversation through texting.  Then she tells me that two more people are coming over and that everyone wanted me to come over.  I still resisted using the same reasons as before.  She told me that the girl didn't hate me and she had no idea where I got that idea from, which really irked me.  She heard me say hundreds of times that I thought that girl hated me and she never corrected me; she just agreed.  At the end of the conversation I decided I would go over there.  I wasn't as tired as I thought, and I figured it was the only way to fully comprehend her feelings on drinking.  In other words, I did it all for her.

After the 20 minute drive up there, she greeted me with a smile and her two friends run outside.  Everyone was happy but yet my girlfriend was the only one to actually greet me.  We start to walk inside and my girlfriend said something about not being outside, because I'm too tired.  I don't know why but at the time it kinda made me mad, not furious, but a little peeved.  We walk inside and everyone is sitting there about to play a card game. My girlfriend walks into another room to grab a seat for me.  We join the others at a table.

They're getting ready to play some drinking game, and her friend is explaining the rules.  I felt awkward as all hell.  I didn't know anyone and I just felt like I didn't belong.  I felt my face turn beat beat red like I had no idea what I was doing there.  They started the game.  A card was flipped and some guy took a few gulps.  Another card was flipped and a girl who looks like a 14 year old took a few sips.  Then my girlfriend said "shit".

I knew it was out of disapointment.  She wanted to drink.  She wanted to get drunk.  And for some reason that just hit me so deep.  That hurt so bad and I still don't know why.  Maybe it's because I thought my girlfriend was an angel but at that moment it felt like I didn't know her.  Almost as if she was a completly different person.  Even as I'm typing this whole thing I have that feeling inside me.  My hands are shaking and I have that pit you get in your stomach when you're extremely nervous.

I couldn't take it anymore.  I stood up and left.  She saw me get up and just gave me the dirtiest look of disapointment.  I didn't know if the look was intentional but that's how it came across to me  She asked what I was doing, and I replied with going home, and asked her if she knew how I told her I would feel if I went there.  She kinda nodded her head, so I told her that I felt too awkward.  I walk out the door.  No one says a word.  I drive home.  I don't get a text or a call.  I walk into my room feeling that I was going to burst down and cry and still no text or call.  I send her a text saying I'm home and that I'm going to bed.  I didn't want to hear her voice but I just wanted her to know that I made it home safely.

Now its almost nine in the morning.  I woke up at 6 with a horrible nightmare and couldn't fall back asleep.  I look at the phone to see no text and no message.  Not even a missed call.  She never acknowleged that I got home.  She didn't even care enought to call me.  She never said that she was sorry for me having a bad time and for pressuring me into going.  I'm not saying she should have, but she say's I'm sorry when I get a headache, so it would be nice to know that she understands how I feel about this whole thing.  I sent her a text saying "I'm not sure if you'll get this since you haven't been getting some of my texts.  if you don't I'll guess you'll call me when you wake up.  I want to spend today by myself.  I need to sort out some stuff."

At this point I don't know what to do.  I have no idea how she feels, or what went on after I left.  I'm trying so hard to be accepting of her drinking.  She tells me that she spends all her time with me and never see's her friends or family, so I give her time for that.  I told her that last night I wanted her to spend time with friends doing what she likes to do.

I feel horrible not knowing whats going on with her and I feel like if anything bad happened last night that it's my fault.  I feel as if I'm bending over backwards for her and I'm at the point where I can't bend anymore.  We were both completly different people before we got into this relationship and there have been times we let each other down.  There have been times we didn't want to speak to one another.  There's been times we wanted to break up, but there's been better times.  Times where we would stay up on the phone all night talking, times where we spend all day together, times we've layed down doing nothing but talking about baby names.  I don't want to break tis relationship off, but if I feel this miserable then maybe it's ment to be...